''Cyberdating-addicted'' in Russian-Western Dating
By Christina Meyer
Did you know it could be dangerous?
Mr. or Ms. Wrong: If your gut raises warning flags about an online suitor, don't think twice -- hit ''delete''.
No?? I suppose so.
Tell the truth, to present day I did not, too. And I would be happier to not hear any further, but oftentimes recently while coaching different people I encounter the brand-new dating term ''cyberdating-addicted” when it comes to the internet dating, and especially long-distance relationship.
What I am pretty sure: it is not simply a neologism; it is rather a single phenomenon of today's cyber world. And what makes me sad, it has only negative sequel in people's lives.
Before to reveal, let me tell something.
As I said, this problem became a frequent dating disaster in long-distance dating, in particular in Russian-Western relationship. Being a Russian woman myself, I used to hear at times indignant, at other times despondent stories about such incidents from my Russian girlfriends who looking for western men for marriage thru the Internet. Sometimes I heard alike stories from men, too. Normally I considered this as just another unfortunate dating endevour, but latest episodes exhausted my patience! I decided to write a special article, completely dedicated to this subject and probably it will be helpful advice for everyone who STILL sees all online suitors through rose-colored glasses.
Thru my vision of situation, I want provide tips about potential trappers and how to prevent sincere women and men from falling into these wittingly HOPELESS love feelings.
cyberdating-addicted people, AKA serial online daters (mostly single, sometimes married) are people who are NOT interested to start serious relationship IN REAL LIFE, but are enormously interested to pursue numerous cyber dating romances for their personal advantages.
They can be both males and females and have been having some varying subtypes.
At first, about males.
1. Narcissist – a person of hedonistic views on life. He enjoys life and believes by means of non-committal (on-line or off-line) rapport, he gives this enjoyment to women, too. Usually he sincerely believes in his promises, and truly mourns for ruined relationship. It doesn't prevent him eventually from quick starting a new one, though! He usually is generous; likes to do things in a big way. What problem is that he does not seek after changing his eternal e-dater status for a marriage status.
As a rule, he perfectly realizes FROM THE VERY OUTSET that his exciting romance will never grow into something more stable.
They are amorous; they can easily have several love affairs simultaneously and they feel blessed with these oft-recurring love stories, even if it happens only via the Internet. Sometimes it can fall into real meeting with Russian woman, but these people are not inclined to get marry. Their target is simpler – it is only women's attention, they feed on unreserved admiration for them, and find satisfaction in ONLY ''cyber living together'', so to speak. Any timid attempts to move up cyber dating into the next (real) form immediately hurts their feelings and then, they vanish without laving a trace, so it’s impossible to reach them again. They can be considered energy, emotional vampires because after one-sided break-up, they are again in the search of a new victim, are again on the make.
In actual fact, when such type first time contacts you, everything seems going properly. Only much later, you can discover that your new on-line mate, whom you could already start to be deeply involved with, is NOT going to bring your internet romance up to the marriage!
And here it makes a big sense to scrutinize the like people's psychology. My supplementary education is a psychologist. For being a good coach, it is extremely important to delve into people's motives to provide them with best advice, so I studied it avidly. That's why I nearly automatically fix some so-called ''red flags'' about on-line dating, that I may encounter.
What I found out (and what I don't want you to find out your own hard way!) is that NOT all of these people are coldly realize that they are playing and use others, like our subtype # 1 does.
Most of them sincerely looking for their only ideal soulmate (their Paramour), but since there are no ideal people in our world, it is “rainbow hunt” by definition.
2. The Wandering Knight – a person, who is perhaps the most “honest” bozo from all above-listed because he truly wants to marry, gives TLC to his preparation for international marriage: reads different manuals, posts ads, responds women's letters and industriously learns cross-cultural nuances but when things start to go really big, he always finds some plausible pretext to postpone, to shilly-shally because he all of a sudden got feeling that something is wrong. Something that he cannot figure out. Well, with such ‘‘switchback’’, a rare woman would not move on; one should be 'thick-skinned’ to survive with the like *dreamer*.
As a rule, this type of males is never been married (also childless), and used to meet his recurrent dating misfortune philosophically: ‘‘I have been single so long time that maybe I do not want to be "unsingle", in my soul.'' Admittedly, such ''come day go day attitude'' is not going to coincide with matrimonial plans that women pursue.
Surprisingly but this type of cyberdating-addicted people really strives to find a partner and even goes to any length (e.g. searching out of their home), while in fact they are NOT ready or really wish to marry and solve all ups and downs which are relative to any marriage (no matter happy or not)!!! They can immensely enjoy the ''process'' itself but when it comes to something more serious, they are either not ready yet, or discovered some phobia or just find themselves kind of incompatible with one or another type of woman!
Usually rapport with such kind of person ends nowhere. Maybe it sounds harsh but it is true. I assume, we all here are not for a deep mental analysis or self-searching; we all are after to find a future beloved husband or wife??
Here is the real-life example how it is working in women's life.
It is the story of my good friend. She is Russian as well, 28 y.o., good-looking, educated, smart, honest and versatile woman. Enjoys travellings, a wonderful conversationalist, a compassionate personality, speaks very good English, dreams about children and eager to start own family asap.
She was dating an American man (her coeval) for about 6 months. ''What a score!'' – You would exclaim.
Not so soon. Yeah, she was completely falling in love with him. Could say she was absolutely crazy about him. I don't know if somebody could love so selfishlessly and unconditionally nowadays like she did. He seemed truly loving too. Met each other via some trustworthy marriage agency they started to develop their relationship slowly. As you can see, it did not look like those romantic tours with many women and men around involved or shortcut dating chitchat for on-line fun alone. It was normal, one-to-one, exclusive, and in a certain sense old-fashioned beautiful romance, only carried out thru the Internet, in compliance with the modern dating trend, though. ;)
Everything was in due time, and they opened up to each other more and more every day. Nobody could pretend so knowingly: judging by their correspondence's content and duration, it was not a game, it was chemistry…At first, a virtual one, and then a real chemistry when they made a promise to get marry after a warm, long-expected personal meeting. In short, he said that ''it is now high time to file for a visa to bring her in the USA''. And she was ready to abandon her family, friends, job, entire lifestyle, native language just to reunion with darling man. In a word, an idyll.
Ok, be patient, guys – it is not over yet. Sad but it is not a happy ending.
He safely returned to motherland, she remained to wait for him in Russia. She thought she finally have found her only soulmate and felt so calm but excited yet about their upcoming happy future. He even called her, saying ''he is ok and gonna research how to get her there very soon''. And exactly when she prepared herself and literally bothered all her family with endless talking about soon-to-be-wedding….he disappeared! YES, SIMPLY DISAPPEARED. Ugh! :(((( No calling, no even farewell e-mail. (Probably did he think it would be best way out of situation??)
So you didn't mishear. That's where the end of story.
Some of us can say it was a lack of good breeding, some can say he is complete rogue. Perhaps…but it is only one side of medal, the second is that man loved, but he was not probably born to marry one day???
That's where I became a bit bamboozled: WHY to disappear if everything was so perfect??
I have no answer and I am glad I have not, otherwise I could become like these strange people.
The only answer I have is that cyberdating-addicted people have also the third subtype:
3. Disordered – a person who can be partly sane, but partly out of normalcy. It doesn't become apparent in daily routine, but what is crucial point – such people are vigorous today, but give way to despair tomorrow, they are unpredictable, they are polar. And being just complicated itself, it can become extremely harmful to your own mental health to try to manage with their mood swings day by day. The like love-hate behavior can impair any nerves and if you are not ready to be Penelope (or Mother Teresa, or 999 or whatsoever!) no matter if you are a man or a woman, you should move on as soon as possible. It is goner!
Back to my example, if I were in her shoes, I probably would be just crushed. The tragedy of this story is that perhaps many of Russian women stumbled upon similar terrible situation to a greater or lesser extent. For ones of them this terrible frustration happened during many-months-correspondence stage when she already gave up all other promising variants for *Him*. For others such one-sided “break-up” came as a bad surprise during thrilled waiting for him to visit her in Russia the first time. For someone else it happened like a bolt from the blue when they planed wedding preparations or already started to file the immigration papers.
The truth is that far from everyone is ready to open up in the face of such colossal audience as the Internet community. Both women and men want to look well-rounded, they realize that in our time nobody needs “unhappy” partner, but oppositely: we all dream about balanced, confident and preferably without past's mistakes companion who could be our pillar of strength. Generally I think it is only fair – to not unload your previous problems on a new person, who might be (but might not be!) your mate? But…
But…how to manage a pain? Better still, HOW to soothe it??? How to find a necessary peace of mind to go on with this long, difficult and frequently thorny path to Love of Your Life??? I am extremely happy for people who were lucky to meet their half so quickly as during some months or even weeks. But I am talking now about those ones who are still looking for and hoping! Even FEW such repulsive experiences can forever alienate women from seeking their destiny via the Internet.
From my two-sided experience, I can tell that western men might encounter the same cyberdating-addicted females, too.
It would be etymologically incorrect to call such females ''scammers'' because ''scammers are people who are solely after money fraud, while the question is a moral, emotional and mental scam; when people are used for someone else's advantage.
Namely I mean a situation, when western man hopes to find a Russian wife, spends his time, efforts and money for a woman, who outwardly looking like a best catch, (and she IS!) is NOT going to marry a foreigner and only seeks for fun, new experience. Yes, I talk about so called “novelty women” – not serious girls who only want men to pay for shopping sprees and no intention to marry, i.e. professional daters or "whores" who date for financial advantage. These girls may be different. One should not think it is only poor, desperate girls who are eager to escape from living in the sticks while they are not actually inclined to leave Russia. There can be also successful, posh (often quite a mature) women from big cities like Moscow, Saint-Petersburg who having a nice lifestyle, a good career, many friends, would not mind a having TO BOOT some exotic, beautiful romance and all advantages inherent to it: gifts, traveling, attention, etc without relocating and starting a new life abroad with foreign husband from scratch.
Novelty woman (some people could call her ”bimbo“, but I find this term too rude). An attractive girl who having all enchilada, used to travel on her face and posts profiles for purely having merry-go-round with foreign men, (who consider her as a prospective mate). Then she says them that ''she tried her best but did not find any chemistry and she is gonna move on''. As mentioned above, she is not your typical con artist who strives for profit-seeking only; simply feeling comfy about her mode of life, she is willing to add some zest to it. Surely, such type of girls is not fool; they've got to have something between their ears as well…to get you involved with THEM so soon and so deeply! ;-)))
But what the most frustrating factor is that notwithstanding she is a nice variant in many respects, you CANNOT plan something long-term like a family life with her because everybody ought to do his own thing: she need not (and probably never will need) a hearth.
So if you are satisfied with such volatile fool's paradise – go ahead! If no, “switch on“ your level head and don't buy into bluesky expectations. It can't be denied: such girl's attention can make you flattered in one minute but…Yikes! Your dreams are wonky! I often receive letters from my western friends who tell me furiously: ''That girl I met last night on-line was a lollapalooza…she is also so considerate, affectionate, tender personality…'' And then I hear all this old-hat stuff. And…
…I prefer to not dissuade them. It is nothing but painting the lily because we soon believe what we desire. However, then something rum begins: he zealously asks her to already get marry, she contrives different puts-off to lay aside this step for some time. He wholeheartedly believes her and going ape over her, is ready to do anything…but then…either she simply disappears or she may take the trouble to inform him with the ''Dear John letter'', telling about her greatest regrets and last goodbye. The question arises: why would not she tell it earlier, if she knew a long ago she is not compatible with him??? A honest, sincere woman can understand if she is (is not) interested in some man after 2-3 letters already!
Sometimes such women can fall in love too, though. After all, they are human beings like us. But because their expectations are high, they need a man who can meet it. Who is not only handsome, educated, versatile, but can give them a fast lane abroad, like they have been having it in Russia. Admittedly, these girls will never agree on life in a village.
OK, why did I write this article besides only pouring forth???
1) To open everybody's eyes that such problem do exists and many people already suffered from it;
2) To find some remedy to protect ourselves from such emotional humbugs who make us to spend our time, energy, feelings, money and motivation, and leaving us eventually empty-handed.
Remember: a True Love is about being Equal; it is NOT about pleasing another person all alone. If you see such symptoms in your virtual partner, be reasonably leery of starting and keeping such relations. Don't allow anybody to bullshit your brains. If you are connected with cyberdating-addicted one – you will find a happiness here ONLY when it will be a cold day in hell!
So is tech making dating cheating easy? Absolutely!
I know there is no heal-all for every situation with cyberdating-addicted people, but I wish I could teach you, my dear readers at least some useful tips to be on half-cock and avoid some obvious pitfalls. If you will help to add something new to this list, I will be only grateful. I know many people who would more than appreciate this info.
I call my list Anti-Cyberdatingaddiction Codex and I talk here about red flags indicating possible players or head game scenarios, which cyberdating-addicted people used to practise.
Except as the group of ''Disordered'' and we really cannot try to suss out what's happening in their heads, (since analyzing their mental contradictions is only a shrink's competency), this list tells about all the rest subtypes.
As a rule, nothing will come of relationship with a girl, who indicated in her profile she is currently ''married'' or ''separated''. At best you will have a travel companion, or simply a penpal without any chance to get marry soon.
Never put all your eggs in one basket. Write simultaneously to many girls, (or write to several guys – if you are a woman), this prevent you from making no headway, if one of your endevour would turned out a cyberdating-addicted person.
Talk about future. Pay attention to their vision about it. How do they imagine it? How do they consider their role in new relationship? What is their true priority in family concept? Judge by not only their words, but by deeds, too.
What subjects do they most often bring up in your correspondence: just romantic picture or realistic discussion of their views, your common plans?? It does make sense to prick up ears if at the mention of a personal meeting or further marriage intentions, you hear only weasel-worded phrases and sounds like she is not that excited to speak about it.
Don't fall into picture or beautiful telling. Take your time – get to know the person over the Internet and let the relationship develop before you meet them in person. Keep the old e-mail to compare the information they give you and watch for inconsistencies. This will help you detect liars and find out if you're compatible.
Don't drag on correspondence stage. Visit them. Get real about their surroundings, ask how they feel about you, if they are ready to take a plunge and relocate to start a family soon??
If something bothers you in relationship, don't hush up it – tell about everything frankly, without reserve. Trust your intuition – if it does not feel right, it probably isn't.
Ask a friend/a coach or any other person whom you trust, to read over the e-mail you receive – an unbiased observer can spot warning signs you missed. It may seem a bit indelicate towards your partner, but you are not going to share all letters (or some intimate details), you simply give an example of letters you two exchange to hear a point of view from a person, who is not interested party. Don't forget: lookers-on see most of the game.
If you communicate thru ICQ or MSN Messenger, it can look suspicious if after you become disconnected, and both of you said each other ''good night'', you suddenly find out that ''s/he'' keeping a chat with someone else, while you thought s/he already is supposed to sleep!
S/he in hurry to remove their profile very soon after you meet each other and encourages you to do the same. They try to make you think you are destined to each other and you feel guilty having your ad any further. Yes, there is nothing bad about cutting all other contacts, excepting the fact of deleting data at the site, that you already know, they can still have profiles somewhere else. It is already manipulation.
You cannot catch them by phone at agreed time, or they are getting almost furious if you call at the wrong time. As if, they would wait for calling from someone else.
After you travel possibly thousands of miles to be with her, you almost have to make an appointment to spend time with her. Or she stands you up, or puts off your meetings until she has time to see you. This is not something that a perspective wife would ever want to do to damage your relationship.
It is important to see how your partner introduces you to others. Does your s/he readily introduce you as if you’re a couple, or more of a friend? If you’re the only one in the picture, then there’s no reason to play around with how you’re introduced.
guards their cell phone. Yes, we all want some privacy, and that
includes who we call and when. However, if your partner is
overly protective of their recently dialed numbers and caller ID,
could they have something to hide?
They are evasive to tell you about their feelings even after you met personally and understand you two like each other.
There are many more other signs that would show you that something wrong in your relationship, and I will periodically add in new ones. What I try to say is that none of these signs alone guarantees you’ve found a cyberdating-addicted person, at the same time if there are more than a few signs sound like your partner, then your hunch could be right.
It is not time to play detective but before you call out your partner and have “the talk”, you should carefully weigh all pros and cons and be honest with yourself if some red flags truly appeared.
Remember it is YOUR life, it is YOUR future and YOU want to be happy, and if your gut tells you that someone tries to play you false, there is no reason to overlook it.
Be reasonable but cautious yet,
No more cyberdating-addicted romance!
About the auther: Christina Meyer, ''The Ace-High Dating E-Coach'', is author of 22 Easy Tips for Surefire Success with Russian Women mini-course, and of the soon to be released new profound e-book about numerous facers and emotional traps of international dating playground. She also publishes the popular ezine ''Dating Mastermind'' where delivers smart, refreshed and simple strategies for singles, seriously looking for their love internationally, and generally for everybody who wants to master the SUREFIRE, FAST and FUN way to build a long and happy relationship, committment and partnership.
To learn more about her book, other services, sign up for more FREE tips like these, please visit her at Helene International (it is currently home of her service).
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